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Friday, May 29, 2015

My Rapist Followed Me On Twitter

            Nothing quite ruins a mood like finding out your rapist followed you on Twitter. So, I’m not going to delete you, not just yet. I’m going to post this post on twitter to make sure you see if first. I want you to read it before I prevent you from talking to me ever again. So, this is my message to you.

            First of all, I’m not going to say your name or username. Why? For one, I’d have nothing to prosecute you on besides me words. That wouldn’t do anything. The legal system won’t help me now, it’s too late. But also, what would letting people know it do? Get you more attention? I mean sure, people might send you nasty messages but that’s not going to do anything. It’s not going to make you pay for it and it’s not going to give me any solace. No, you don’t deserve to have people know your name or who you are. I don’t want people to know who you are. I want you to disappear into obscurity. I want you to be so far removed from my life no one even bothers to know your name. You’re not even worth knowing a name.

            Second of all, what happened is not my fault. When I tell you to stop, you’re supposed to stop. I don’t know what’s so hard about that concept. I didn’t “owe” you anything. I don’t care what you said, I didn’t “owe” it to you. I wasn’t in some sort of sexual debt. Know, you didn’t deserve anything. And even if I didn’t fight back hard enough because at the time I thought I did “owe” it to you doesn’t make it right or ok. What you did was wrong, and that can never go away. You were the first person I ever truly had sex with, and you can never give that back to me. You will live with this forever.

            I hope, with all my heart, it haunts you. I hope you feel horrible for what you did. I hope you wish you could give me that back. I hope that feeling doesn’t leave. Because I want you to know to never do that to anyone ever again. And I hope the very idea of doing it again gives you nightmares.

            And most importantly, I forgive you. I’m letting go of it. What you did was horrible. It will live with me forever. I hope it lives with you forever. But I won’t let that hold my life. I won’t let it rule me. I hope it haunts you not out of revenge, but to prevent it from ever happening. And I hope you seek some sort of redemption. And I hope it never ever happens to you. I won’t and can’t forget what happened. It will always be wrong. And I will always have that memory of you. But I won’t let it rule my life. This is not me saying that it’s ok or you are ok now. This is me saying that I cannot let it rule my life, and I hope that forgiveness changes your life. Because if not, you are far more damned than I.

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